My life, which had really been a very simple and happy life, crashed on May 16, 2007. Tim and I were expecting our fourth child. A surprise child at that! Just a few weeks before we learned that I was carrying a healthy baby boy. We didn’t have any major concerns, but a bit of a warning about placenta privia. I wasn’t to do any heavy lifting, but otherwise, we had no concerns.

On May 13, Mother’s day, I woke up knowing that something wasn’t right. By the end of the day, I was being brought to the hospital by ambulance. I was admitted and staying in the hospital, where I delivered our son, Jonathan, at just 21 weeks. He was stillborn and arrived too early for the doctors to be able to do anything for him. I left the hospital on May 17, holding a dozen white roses. It was the longest hallway I’ve ever been in.

After we lost Jonathan, my cousin gave me a verse. It really hit home for me at the time and I read it over and over. It was Psalm 69:1-3. "Save me, O God, for the floodwaters are up to my neck, Deeper and deeper I sink into the mire; I can't find a foothold. I am in deep water, and the floods overwhelm me. I am exhausted from crying for help; my throat is parched. My eyes are swollen with weeping, waiting for my God to help me." As I said, I read it again and again over the next few days. Finally, I decided that I needed to cling to a verse of hope, rather than to the one that perfectly described where I was at during that time. Don't get me wrong, she gave me the perfect verse. I read it and said, "Yes, this is what I feel!"

I began reading through the Psalms. Psalm 40:1-3 had the answer. "I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what he has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the Lord."

That is the answer to 69:1-3. I now cling to Psalm 40:1-3. When I'm having a sad day, I remember that God has set my feet on solid ground. This journey is not over, I will continue with this journey as long as my feet are on this earth.

One of the very first things I learned about God through our loss is that he takes care of us through the low spots in our life. I was amazed with the care we received from our church family, small group, and, of course, family. You kind of expect that family will be there for you, but who knows about anyone else. We received cards and calls from so many. But what was even more astonishing was the great lengths that others went out to care for our family. A couple of women from church did our laundry. Women from our MOPS group brought meals and hung out with me after Tim returned to work. They helped me care for my children, clean my house, and were simply there for us.

What struck me most was the way God has prepared us and our community for our loss. The fall before we lost Jonathan a couple joined our small group. They had experienced the loss of their baby boy at 21 weeks gestation just 6 years before. What amazing people for God to put in our lives.

I was questioning God about why he would do this to us. After all, he knows all things. When we got pregnant with Jonathan, he knew what the outcome would be. So why do this? Does he really love us? Yes, he does.

Psalm 40:1-3, the verse that I have held on to since we lost Jonathan, says in verse 3 "He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what he has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the Lord."

Since that time I have been asking the Lord to heal my heart and give me joy, a new song to sing. I have waited for him to answer this prayer. I have felt despair, as though the Lord was not hearing me. I have wavered in the confidence that I have that he does listen.

But today I have hope! “Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy. No shadow of shame will darken their faces. In my desperation I prayed, and the Lord listened; he saved me from all my troubles.” Psalm 34:5-6

He truly has. He has restored my relationship with him, he has given me a new song to sing, one that is a song of praise to him. He has saved me from my sorrow, lifting me from the pit of despair. He has given me a new confidence in who he is and his deep, deep love for me.